Dec 5 2015

Intelligent Design group proves that ‘God probably created HIV’

In a stunning press release, Intelligent Design group The Group for Order and Design In Science (GODIS) has proposed that the structure of the HIV virus could not have arisen by natural processes, and was therefore engineered.

“Our calculations are quite revealing,” stated Rex Numero, chief statistician at GODIS.  “We were inspired by Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s accusation that perhaps HIV was created by the US Government, and we immediately set about calculating the likelihood that HIV could have arisen from natural causes.  As it turns out, the HIV virus is irreducibly complex in many areas.  Therefore, it MUST have been engineered.”

When Numero was challenged about whether or not the proposed engineer of HIV was the biblical God, Numero immediately denied such conclusions, saying

“We neither confirm nor deny the existence of a supreme being, but we do admit that such engineering is way ahead of our current scientific abilities.  WAY ahead.”

Picking up on the GODIS press release, an organization supporting the beleaguered Rev. Wright, Wright’s Holy Infantry Threatening Euro Supremacy (WHITES) immediately countered that such genetic engineering most certainly IS within the realm of our current capabilities.  Chief spokesperson for WHITES Ray Spater enjoined forcefully:

If we can genetically engineer glowing fish, how hard is it to engineer a little virus that kills people?  This news proves that it is possible, even probable that the rich white people running our government created and distributed HIV into the drug and sex businesses in order to kill blacks AND gays, our brothers in this fight for equal rights.

Spater has had to answer, however, the challenge that the spread of HIV in the black and gay communities was due to their own promiscuity and drug use, which is not the government’s fault.

“Are you kidding me?” spat Spater.  “Look, as brother Farrakan has said, the rich white Jews in Hollywood, many of which support our causes, are still to blame for filling our airwaves with sex in movies and on TV.  They are the ones influencing our youth.  Blaming the rappers and the HIV victims themselves is really low – I mean, what makes you say that they bear ANY responsibility for sleeping around or using drugs, when TV makes it so attractive?  No, no, no, we can not blame the victims here in any way.”

Not to be left out of the fray, Atheists Reviling God in History and Science (ARGHS) ridiculed the findings of GODIS.  Chief spokesman for ARGHS, Darkes Light, who spoke to the press this morning at ARGHS headquarters in Corpus Christi, TX, reviled:

The conclusions of GODIS are total bunk – I mean, you can prove anything you want with statistics, it all depends on your assumptions.  For example, if you stumbled upon a watch in the sand at the beach, you might be tempted to think that such an unusually complex object required an intelligent maker.  But of course, such a conclusion would be, statistically speaking, not your best choice.  Seeing design everywhere by setting the bar for ‘irreducibility’ so low can lead you to such obviously illogical conclusions as thinking that a watch was most likely created by an intelligence.”

Responding to these allegations, GODIS’ Numero answered:

“So let me get this straight. These guys believe in alien life because it is statistically possible, and even after pouring millions of dollars into SETI, have absolutely NO evidence of such, yet they WON’T believe that an intelligence is out there that could do genetic engineering? Is that because such an engineer is too close to being godlike, or because it would provide an alternative theory of origins to evolution?”

In a counter-statement, Light beamed:

“Look, basically, there is NO way to determine if life, or any virus, has been engineered, because quite honestly, we can come up with a theory of how it evolved using natural processes, even if such processes might take longer than the age of the known universe.  The bottom line?  You can’t really tell if anything is designed, and therefore, no form of life is engineered, nor could it be determined to BE engineered.

And since we have proven evolution beyond a doubt, in doing so, we have pretty much deemed the idea of an intelligent creator, god or not, as irrelevant.  And anyone worth their intellectual salt should agree – at least, anyone wanting to publish in a peer-reviewed primary journal or gain their University tenure.”


Dec 3 2015

Coming out to your parents as polygamous

It is very exciting to live in a day when previously ridiculed and marginalized people groups are receiving legal and social recognition and rights. Blacks, women, and now homosexuals are finally finding their place in the sun as decades, even centuries of discrimination are being dispatched to the dust bin of history.

But the fight is not over. There are still plenty of persecuted minorities being discriminated against in our culture including immigrants, the unborn, and those who feel called to have multiple marriage partners at the same time.

I remember the first time I saw the Olsen twins on TV. As a newly pubescent boy, I was smitten. How could a man choose between two such beauties? And then I asked myself, “who is demanding that you can only have one, and on what authority?”

olsensThat thought quickly passed, but the theme kept popping up into my mind at every turn. First, it was the wedding of my best friend’s brother, who married his gay partner. Then I was asked to the prom by two different, but both beautiful girls. Why did I have to choose only one?

Under pressure, I tried going to the prom with only the first girl who asked, but the whole time, I was thinking about the other one. Having one girl just seemed so… unnatural to me, so boring, so unappealing.

For reasons I could not explain, I was always thinking about a threesome, a foursome, or even more. What was wrong with me?!?

When I went to college, all bets were off. The narrow, legalistic and religious views of my parents, who expected me to find one girl and marry her for a lifetime, were far away. I accepted that I could not be with one girl, and began dating many. At once. Literally, like more than one girl on one date.

Sometimes in bars, I would see the awkward glances of others when I kissed one girl on the cheek, then the other. Sometimes macho guys would try to bully me, calling me a ‘polly’ or ‘mormo,’ or asking me how large my penis must be.

Well meaning friends would suggest that maybe my stern religious upbringing was to blame, or the fact that I was molested by a group of female camp counselors when I was younger. My religious family and friends would question my moral character, slinging Biblical epithets like ‘promiscuous’ and ‘whoremonger.’

So for a while, I hid my sexuality. But as I saw the incresed boldness of the gay marriage movement, and realized that their arguments supported a much broader set of romantic configurations than just theirs, and I decided to come out of the closet.

As long as I can remember, I have not been attracted to just one girl – I was BORN this way. I can not change. It is unnatural, even cruel, to expect me to live within the narrow bounds of monogamy. Your antiquated notions of sexuality and reproduction, of the family unit, of what is best for children, are all meaningless to me. I must live with integrity and honesty with who I am – who I was MADE to be. I tried changing myself, including ex-poly therapy, and it did not work. All it did was make me feel bad, suppressed, and irreversibly broken.

What to say to your parents

My parents were not that understanding, and your may not be either. You can only pray for parents who love and understand you enough to confirm your own mature choices. I have the following recommendations for you:

a. Delay telling them for as long as possible, esp. if they are religious. When you are older, you will have the emotional resources and friends to help you through what could be a difficult time.

b. Find friends who agree with you. If you’re a poly like me, you’ve probably got that extra sense for who is a poly (some call it ‘polydar.’). Be strong, and realize that you are not alone.

c. Don’t be belligerent. Just accept that many people won’t understand your choice to be polygamous.

d. Love yourself. And let yourself love others – preferably in groups :D.

I hope your coming out is as painless as it can be. One day, everyone will accept that enjoying multiple partners is normal, biological, and morally upright. There are no victims here, only people loving one another.


Dec 1 2015

The Drama of Bad Church Testimonies

Few things are as influential as positive testimonies, be they for products, or for faith. The practice of telling the story of how you came to faith, a.k.a. the personal testimony, has waned of late in many churches, in no small part because either people are not getting born again, or those who are are not being challenged to step out and live for God in daring ways.

But even when we do have times of personal testimony in front of the church, things can go awry if we don’t first (a) ask the speaker to submit what they are going to say in writing beforehand, and (b) make sure they are coached and trained on how to do a good job, and (c) make sure the pastor is ready to gently guide people towards concise and helpful testimony.

Here are some types of testimony that you can get if you just open up the pulpit to anyone:

1. The Superstitionist

This person sees a sign from God in every circumstance, every coincidence, and expects us to buy in to their incredulity with “Isn’t God amazing?!?” I’m thinking it’s amazing the Pastor hasn’t stepped in and stopped you! Continue reading


Nov 15 2015

Resting

Original Publish Date: 7.1.1

My face droops with
The solemn determination to make it
Through the day
Resigned and hardened
To the diatribes of conscience
Like the patter of weekend rain
“You should not have stayed up late – again.”

I have work to do.
Work to do.
Zzz.


Nov 13 2015

American Light Bulb Jokes

So I was thinking how much I love stereotypes and ethnic jokes, & I realized that there aren’t enough good anti American jokes. Hopefully I won’t be attacked for being a racist if I make jokes about my own country. So I thought about the qualities of Americans that are annoying. I had to think often in terms of conservative or liberal and I made up this spate of lightbulb jokes.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One because he can’t get a coalition together to help him. Continue reading


Nov 11 2015

What is good satire?

I want to write a short series of satirical stories, but in doing so, I want to make clear what my purpose is, and so I first want to paint my view of the content and purposes of satire.  Enjoy.

1. The goals of satire v. sarcasm

Many people confuse these two types of communication, and for sure, they may overlap, but in a pure sense, they have different ends.   Sarcasm is really meant to ridicule and harm one’s opponents, while satire has much more noble goals.   Satire is a lampooning of your opponents in order to show the ridiculousness of their position, especially the moral ridiculousness of it.  Its aim is awareness and awakening, not ridicule and harm. Continue reading


Nov 10 2015

Pee

Original Publication Date: 7.7.1

My mind is consumed
With the solitary thought
Of having to pee
Other priorities ask for attention
But they must wait
Until I find a bathroom
A restroom, a tree out of sight
Anything will do

It must happen now.